Blue lips

 I've had another emergency therapy session. Im so tired. Gotta communicate better with K so that I'm less angry and she understands better.

Why is it so difficult?

Feel like I'm always improving myself while others just do what they want, with little regard for everyone else. 

 This constant empty feeling is driving me mad. I can't seem to get anything done and my BPD is up a notch. I'm on opposite shifts to K and i'm just drained. 

No wonder I just got drunk all the time and slept around at uni. Anything to feel something. 

Maybe I should have a drink now. 

i'm so lonely.

Kathleen is either at work or playing sims.

The house is a shithole.

I'm mildly overwhelmed with uni and jobs and frankly, I just want to be a student forever.

I'm just alone and don't have my family or friends to talk to.

My sleep is shit, my arousal is off the scale and i'm in alot of pain.

Oh and my sister is pregnant.

I'll just get shitfaced and maybe tomorrow it will be ok.

i'm doing ok.

I have been doing so well recently.

my relationship with my mum is entirely different. I can now see how my trauma affects me. I generally have less sudden emotional changes throughout the day.

Yet this weekend has been a killer. 

Just disappointment after disappointment.

Now Kathleen is really mad at me and I just don't know what to do. This is when the big problems come because if i don't have Kathleen I literally don't have anybody. 

I can feel the suicidal urges trickling back in.

you need to calm down

K is sad. 

I completely understand where she is coming from and I empathise....but at the same time I am soaking up her feelings and I have tried being nice but it just isnt making any difference. I am struggling with the physicality of my feelings; the pent up rage, the intense and appropriate sexual arousal which only feeds my anger. My insides are burning.

We are both struggling and feeling very ground down by society and its consumerist, work-life approach. 


We need a holiday. 

back again

I havent blogged in over a year and actually, I'm really feeling it. Like, I miss blogging. I miss having that time to myself to process my intense feelings, that for the past 2 years (or more) have run riot. I'm hoping that by writing today (when I've had a really bad couple of days) I'll get back into the swing of doing it pretty regular. 

Anyway, I bet you're wondering why today. Why, after a year of silence have I come back to this faithful old blog that has followed me since I was 15. Well dear reader, it's because I'm having the same problems as I was then. 

I'm having counselling again and today, my initial sexual assault experience came back into my thoughts and we discussed it. It's something that I've tried to forget or ignore ever since it happened. Even when it happened it didn't really hit me for maybe a year or two. 

I think I've never really touched on it properly because in my head, it's just fragments. An image here. A few words there. A sharp painful touch. It's not a cohesive video and I don't even remember how old I was, where my mum was, what happened in between those long nights. 

My counsellor says this is because it is trauma and my brain doesn't have a place to put it. I guess that makes sense. It also validates me because ever since it happened, I thought I was to blame. 

I'm not going to bore you with the details but this did really happen to me and it still makes me sad and confused. I just have to make peace with the fact that it happened and it is not my fault. I am done making excuses. What she did was wrong and it has damaged me in more ways than anyone realises.